”But, why?”
“Because I say so!”

This is a simple four word phrase that seems to get all things done and settled except it really doesn’t.

Here’s a picture that demonstrates parenting styles:

Even when it may be uttered out of frustration or exasperation, the “Because I Say So!” response pushes us into the authoritarian parenting style – not only does this fray our relationship with our kids, but could result in our kids ending up being fearful and anxious, less self-confident, and poor communicators.

1. “My answer is No. Here’s why……”

You may feel as a parent you shouldn’t have to explain yourself but there are many good reasons for us to. Our words are important to our kids in more ways than one.

The fact that you are making an effort to explain is a sign of high responsiveness and nurturing and conveys unconditional love to your kids. It implicitly shows them that you aren’t too busy to have a conversation with them and that they are worthy.

If you make it a point even in their whiniest moments to explain your answers in a calm tone then your kids understand, “Hey, Mom and Dad are always willing to talk to me no matter what.”

If you make time and show patience over the small stuff, then kids know you’ll be there even for the bigger stuff. It opens the doors to communication at the youngest of ages and helps lay the ground work as kids become older.

2. “Nothing has changed in the last 5 minutes. My answer is still No. The reason is still […]”.

One of the key tenets of positive parenting is to stay consistent. So, keep your voice calm and let it sink in that unless something else changes, your answer will not.

Sometimes, just this much is enough.

So if your kids wail ”Can we go to the playground??????”

If there is no other reason for you to object, say “Yes, if you’ve finished your school work and [explicitly list all the other things that need to be done and any time constraints], then you can go”

If there is no time for them to complete their school work, the chores, go to the playground and be back before dinnertime, take the time to explain that.

What if things don’t stop at that though? What if they wait for a few more minutes and repeat the question again.

It is time now to respond with…

3. “I’ve already answered that question. Do I seem like the kind of parent that would change my mind that quickly?” — [aka, the ‘Asked and Answered’ Method]

This seems blunt but another important aspect of this idea is that it conveys to your kids that you aren’t the type of parent that will change their mind in response to nagging and whining. This strips these negative methods of persuasion of their power forcing your kids to either learn to tackle the emotions brought on by the disappointing outcome (thereby improving their emotional intelligence) or think of more positive methods of persuasion (thereby improving their communication and negotiation skills).

Ask yourself regularly, are you hearing your child’s suggestions? Are you both gaining understanding from the decisions you are making? Be sure to ask those around you too so you can gain some outside perspective.