So baby showers aren’t your thing. You aren’t exactly excited for the arrival of a new one, and innocent shrieks or loud cries to you are all the same – distractions from an otherwise peaceful life. You don’t see the point in gathering at someone’s house with not enough food to go around, having to wonder over onesies you can’t fit into and having to play game after game to celebrate the fact your friend got pregnant.
Yes, there’s a joy that there’s going to be an addition to their family, but need there be such a big deal, you think to yourself. You who are reading this already know your face is going to be one of the most sullen at the party…….. So if you want to take it up a notch and be one of the most hated person at a baby shower, you’ve got it here.
1. Wear something that shows HOW NOT PREGNANT you are
Forget being age appropriate or dressing for the occasion. Wear your tank tops or crop tops and emphasise just how nice it is to be able to move around freely with no restriction or no belly in the way. Throw in a pair of pretty shoes that no pair of swollen, pregnant feet can fit into.
2. Talk loudly about your engaging, childless life
You’d be killing the mood as fast as a bullet train once you launch into a monologue of how your life is without children. If people are paying attention to you, that is.
“I’m going to Bali for a holiday next week, then it’s Paris for a photoshoot after that, then it’s a long list of creative projects! Everything is so fulfilling and there’s nothing in my way!” You say proudly and loudly, to the disgust of many around you because it’s a baby shower celebrating the gift of children, after all.
3. Show up late and without a present.
Be Kesha and insist that “The party don’t start till I walk in”
Breeze into the room, reeking of champagne and Chanel No. 5 an hour late, making a grand entrance in stilettos with a large, fashionable tote bag.
“Oh darlings, I’m so sorry I’m late, traffic was a NIGHTMARE,” you will dramatically lament as if it’s YOU who is under stress. And in that tote bag, there’s no present at all, because you “totally forgot” and you cheesily say “Presence matters more than presents”. Your absence will be appreciated more than your presence this time round.
4. Don’t participate in games.
When it’s time to play games, or open presents for that matter, simply don’t participate. I mean, no one can FORCE you. In fact, gather a group of other salacious girls to gossip in the kitchen with you. Party pooper.
Mission accomplished, you are the most hated person at the baby shower. One wonders why you even went to the party only to put in so much effort to make it suck.